The Problem With A Two-Legged Stool

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Do you know what happens when you try to sit on a two-legged stall for too long? Yes, you fall flat on your ass. Why? Because each leg needs to take its share of the weight, or it just doesn't work, right? When it comes to mindful drinking, everybody talks about the first two R's of the process. Reduce, replace. But what about the third R? It needs to take its share of the load as well, but it gets far less of a share of the conversation. Until today. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, Denise Hamilton Mace, your mindful drinking mentor. I'm here to help you design, build, and live a life less intoxicated on your own terms. After 24 years of working in hospitality and drinking daily like it was a non-negotiable part of my job, I finally recognized in my early 40s that alcohol was no longer serving me the way it was before. Now I want to use what I've learned as a publisher, writer, and speaker on all things moderation to help you cut through the noise and find out what truly works for you. Together, we will unpack the truth about mindful drinking from the good to the bad to the downright bizarre. If you're ready to make a change without judgment, pressure, or expectation to quit, then come with me as we jump into the world of low, no, and light alcohol drinks, drinkers and drinking so that you can take back the power of choice from alcohol.

The First R: Reduce

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So there are three stages to the act of moderating your drinking. And everyone knows about the first one. It's a thing that drives us all to get started in the first place. And that is the thought that goes through your mind when you say, I need to reduce my drinking. I need to drink less. I need to change the way that I'm drinking. It's the uh inspiration behind people doing things like dry January and sober October and all of those sort of challenge months. Uh, it's also the inspiration behind many an Instagram post or a new blogger or wistful TikTok as a newbile young 20-something sits over a steaming cup of uh coffee, uh looking wistfully into the middle distance, uh, captioned changing my drinking, gave me back the life I never knew I was missing. Uh but cliches uh aside, yes, drinking differently will fundamentally change your life. Of course it will. But to what degree? Uh only you can decide that, and that's absolutely fine. Uh, and also only if you can find ways to make it stick.

The Second R: Replace

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So that then takes us to the second R, and that is replace, because this is one of the best ways that you can find to make those changes stick. All you need to do is is have a look at the back catalogue of interviews that I've done on this podcast, that I've I've featured in my publications to see that obviously I'm a big, big fan of replacing your full-strength alcoholic drinks with a low, no, or like version. Um, a bit of a story here is that I got involved in a very small to-do uh recently because some words that I was asked to write for a publication which I shan't name here uh were used, uh was slightly twisted to imply that I was suggesting that alcohol-free drinks are dangerous triggers and should be avoided. So let me be very clear in case there's any confusion here, that swapping your full strength drink for a low, no, or a light alcohol one is one of the single best behaviour change tactics that you can use to make lasting impact on your drinking habit. I have no doubt about that in my mind whatsoever. But they don't work for everyone. And I don't think that's too shocking a revelation, is it? It's just like how some people, like myself, love a bit of pineapple on a pizza. I know, I know a lot of you are up in arms now, because some of you don't like it. I think you're a bit odd, but that's that's fair enough, each to their own. Um, but neither one of us is right or wrong. It's just what works well for us, for our palate, for our taste, for our psyche, for all the things that roll together to make us who we are. Now, in terms of replacing, the good news is that today there is literally a low, no, or light alcohol drink for every occasion, for every type of person. I even came across a few months ago uh an alcohol-free sambuka. Now, I think it's great that it exists for people that like that. I personally don't really see the point in an alcohol-free sambukha because who drinks sambukra unless the point is to get absolutely bladdered. Uh it just tastes awful, absolutely awful. But there will be people out there who do like the taste of it and do want to drink it or shoot it. Maybe you want to join in with your friends while they're having shots of uh alcohol-full sambuka and you want to have an alcohol-free one so you still get that same sort of visceral feeling about it. You know, so there's something for everyone out there, and that is fantastic.

The Third R: Remove

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So that takes me then to the third R, because this is the one that everyone is missing, and this is where I want to spend more of my time with you today. The third R is quite simply to remove, but it's not in the context that you might think in a podcast about uh changing your relationship with alcohol. I am not talking about removing alcohol altogether. Of course, you can do that, and if that is your goal, then I am 100% behind you on that. I'm fully on board with that for you. I know, however, that for a lot of people that listen to this show, removing alcohol entirely is not the current goal. It might be something they're thinking about in the future, or it might not even be something that you've broached before. You just know that you want to make a change, you want to reduce, and you're looking at ways to do that. So, what I want you to focus on removing, and this is the bit that I think is so important that just gets missed every time we talk about uh reduce and replace and reduce and replace. It's like we've got to look at this remove and what it is that we need to remove from our lives to help that reduce and replace side of things stick. So, what I want you to remove is all the negative bullshit that comes with your choice to drink differently. That's where the removal needs to take place. That's where we need the van, we need the removal men and women to come in with the big strong arms and like ship this rubbish out of here. Because this is the point that makes all the difference for us in the long term.

Ditching Shame And Embarrassment

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I want you to remove the shame that you feel deep down inside that you might not want to admit, but you know is there because when you're with certain people, you don't talk about it in quite the same way, or you hesitate when you're with other groups of people to say that you want to drink differently or drink less. I want you to remove that shame of acknowledging that you are ready for a change. It is one of the things that held me back for so long. But I've told you before on this podcast that when I actually started telling my friends, my peers, my colleagues, the other mums that I'd met on the school run that I was trying to drink less, drink differently, I was amazed by how many people turned around to me and said, Oh my god, Denise, yeah, me too. Yeah, I just can't hack it like I used to. Or I just don't want to hack it like I used to. So we've got to remove that shame around making a positive choice for our lives, for our bodies, for our families, for what we want to achieve.

Can't Drink Like A 20 Year Old

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We also need to remove the embarrassment of not being able to drink like you used to in your 20s. Uh, it's a topic I've covered before, and I will talk about again because obviously this is the mindful drinking and moderation in midlife podcast. But you are not the same person that you were 20 years ago, and you do not have the same body that you had 20 years ago. Even if you are in fantastic shape and you work out loads and you eat well, life and time uh have a part to play in how we process things like alcohol. There is less water naturally occurring in your body in your 40s and 50s than there was in your 20s. So even having the same amount of alcohol over maybe just an hour or two is going to hit you differently because there's less water in your body to dilute it, uh, it's hitting your vital organs quicker, it's making you feel drunker quicker, it's impacting your well-being quicker. All of these things are just a natural process of aging. There's nothing wrong with them at all. And we need to remove the embarrassment about the fact that we can't go toe for toe with some young 20-something bro or broette who's knocking it back like it is water for them. Because yeah, we used to do that, and yeah, it was fun at the time, but quite frankly, I don't want to do that anymore. And it doesn't serve us in the same way that it used to, and that is okay. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. Our lives are full of different riches as we get older and different priorities, uh, and there are different things to be grateful for. And the fact that you can't drink like you used to is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's something to embrace, is to understand it and know that you have limits and that it's okay if you feel like you're reaching them to make other choices about the way that you uh continue to imbibe alcohol in any given situation.

Social Pressure And Changing Friendships

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Speaking of which, we need to remove the expectation to drink on command in ways that make other people feel comfortable about your choices. And I think this is a really a big one. That social pressure, that social stigma, that expectation, the peer pressure, you know, whether it comes from a work colleague, whether it comes from your other half, whether it comes from your friends, you know, that sort of expectation. Like Frankie's always been one ready for a party, you know, they've always uh been the first one at the bar to buy the shots. And yeah, maybe that is who you were, and it maybe it was a big part of who you were. It certainly was for me. I never walked into a room without drinks in my hand and to share those around with as many people. But actually, the fact that we no longer feel the need to do that doesn't need to be curtailed just to make other people feel better. If the friends around you are not understanding why you're making these choices, then you have to start to wonder how those relationships are going to evolve. Um, I do have an episode planned for you coming up that we'll be talking a little bit more about how our friendships change when we start to drink differently because it's another area that I think we need to give some attention to so that you recognize that they will change, but that that's okay. You don't have to lose all your friends or leave everybody behind. But the dynamic between you and them will change, and it's okay to stand your ground and say to them, look, this isn't working for me. I love spending time with you, but I don't want to drink the way that we always have. And so I'm gonna call it a night and go home. And your real friends, the people who really love you and want the best for you, they'll be okay with that.

Escaping Perfectionism And Binary Thinking

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We need to remove as well this perfectionist trap that tells you that if you have one or two drinks on a night out, or maybe one or two drinks more than you intended to have on a night out, that somehow you've failed at your attempts to moderate or to drink mindfully. It's really important that on this journey we recognize that there will be ups and downs, ebbs and flows, peaks and troughs, uh, you know, all of those things, and that your relationship with alcohol will differ depending on different situations, different times of the week, different groups of people that you're in, um, all sorts of things. The purpose of mindful drinking is to help you take back the power of choice from alcohol. It's not for you to um belittle yourself because on occasion you made a choice to drink more, and perhaps uh you went into the territory where you weren't choosing, but you ended up drinking even more. All of that is is supposed to be an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself, to recognize what leads you to make those choices, what's behind those actions for you, and then to learn how you can make different choices and make changes when it suits you better. That perfectionist trap that you fall into, whereby you think, oh, great. Well, I've had one now, so I might as well finish the bottle. That's not serving you. And all that's doing is generating excuses that lead you down a path that you know you want to steer away from for a while. So I don't want you to think that it is all or nothing. One of the biggest messages about this podcast for me, uh, to you, is that it is most definitely not an all or nothing situation. You have the power to choose what serves you better. And I want you to use episodes like this and shows like mine and others that exist out there to help you make those choices in a way that serves you best. We need to remove as well that binary thinking of I'm either drinking or I'm not. Uh, and for this I mean, you know, on a specific night out,

Flexible Choices On A Night Out

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for example. So you might start out on a night out and decide that you're not drinking tonight. I'm going out tonight, I'm meeting the girls or the guys, and I don't want to have a drink. And then you get to the restaurant or you get to the bar and you see that they've got your favorite wine and you haven't had it for months. And actually, you think, do you know what? I'd really like a glass of that one. It's my favorite wine, it makes me feel lovely. I really enjoy it, it's gonna go really well with my meal. Uh, so I am gonna have a glass of that. That is an absolutely acceptable decision for you to make. On the flip side, you might be geared up for a big night out. You might be ready to tie one on and go meet up with the guys and the girls and go and have a wild night. And then you get to the first bar and you realize that actually I'm not feeling it tonight. And that is a feeling that I know that you've had. It's one that I have had many, many times. But you get there and you think, do you know what? I'm I'm not feeling it. Like I could force myself to get in on it and I could just, you know, jump straight into the shots and I could double park and make sure that I've got enough drinks to get me into the mood. Or I could recognize that I'm not feeling it tonight, and I could choose to protect my energy for tomorrow instead. The point here is that you are allowed to change your mind in the process of a night out or an afternoon or a night in, whatever it is. You don't have to follow any rules. These are your own decisions. So do what feels naturally right. Do the thing that is going to make you feel like you made the best choice for yourself. Do the thing that when you wake up in the morning tomorrow, you can look back and go, do you know what? I did have a couple of drinks. But actually, I really enjoyed myself. I didn't have too many. It was my favorite drink, and I had a lovely time. And now that's done me for the next however long. You know, whatever that looks like for you, you've got to find that spot that works for you. And I know that sometimes when I say these things, it can seem a little bit vague, but that's just because it's hard to um specify for each and every one of you that that's listening. But what I want you to take away from this is that you can apply these thought processes to your own situations and come out with what's gonna work the best for you in the long term. At

The Three Rs & Meaningful Change

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the end of the day, we need all three Rs, we need to reduce, replace, and remove to make meaningful change to the way that we allow alcohol to show up in our lives. Reducing and replacing are hugely, hugely important. And I'm so glad that we talk about them a lot. But unless we keep adding remove into the mix and taking away all that negative BS that isn't serving us, we will be forever trying to balance on a two-legged stool and finding ourselves falling flat on the floor instead. I hope that this episode has helped to inspire you on your journey to a life less intoxicated.

Get More From Me On Substack

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Now, if it has, then I definitely recommend that you join me on my Substack. I've been writing on there for um about six months or so now, and there are 1,700 amazing, amazing uh members of Low No Nation who subscribe every week. I send out a couple of different emails, always a different topic to what we've been discussing on the podcast, so that your time with me gives you uh true value, whether you're um listening, whether you're reading, or doing both. There will be no overlap each week. And also, you'll get to vote in my regular polls, which help shape the content that I make for the episodes that I air on this podcast. So by joining and subscribing, you get to have a say in what I actually put out on the show, which will help you uh get further on your journey. So you can do that by subscribing at low nodrinker.substack.com, or if that's too long, obviously just click the link in the show notes and that'll take you straight there. It's completely free for you to sign up, of course, unless you decide to upgrade to paid and support some of the work that I do on this podcast and on the Substack as well. That's it for this week. Until next week, my darlings. Cheers to a life less intoxicated.