Why the Tough Love Today

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So today I want to be brutally honest with you about a few things. Now I was inspired to do this episode from a blog post that I read. It was about marketing, it was about Substack, so nothing to do with mindful drinking. And it was called 10 Things I Tell You About Writing on Substack if I Wasn't Afraid to Hurt Your Feelings. So I've completely stolen the title from there first and foremost. Hands up, that's fine. But I read the article, and although it was interesting, it didn't really feel to me like they were being brutally honest. It was like, okay, you've made this title to say if I was being really honest, this is what I'd say. But actually, within the content, you're kind of pulling your punches a little bit. And then I started thinking about well, what would I say to Lono Nation if I wasn't afraid of hurting their feelings when it comes to how they approach mindful drinking? And I sat down at my Mac and I started writing. Uh, and I had this amazing list of eight things that I really think that you need to hear. So uh if you are of a delicate sensibility, this might be one of those episodes where you don't totally feel like you're being handled with kid gloves, but that's not really my bag. I'm here to help you to design and build and live a life less intoxicated, and sometimes you need a little bit of tough love to do that. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, Denise Hamilton Mace, your mindful drinking mentor. After 24 years of working in hospitality and drinking daily, I finally recognised in my early 40s that alcohol was no longer serving me the way it was before. Now I want to use what I've learned as a publisher, writer and public speaker on all things moderation to help you design, build, and live a life less intoxicated on your own terms. If you're ready to make a change without judgment or pressure to quit, then come with me as we dive into the world of low, no, and light alcohol, drinks, drinkers, and drinking so that you can take back the power of choice from alcohol. So, no more preamble. I just want to get into this with you today.

Stop Romanticising Your Drinking Past

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And the first thing on my list is that you are romanticising your drinking past and you need to stop. So we've all got amazing memories, all of us, about wonderful nights out that we've had. Uh I've got bathtub stories, ninja rolls through bars, tearing it up and down central London, and it was great. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and I loved it, and you loved it too. But it's gone, okay? It's gone and it's not coming back, and no amount of reminiscing about it is going to change that. And even if it did, it wouldn't be the same, okay? Seriously, do you really, really want to go clubbing until 3 a.m. at 45 years old and then stay up talking nonsense until 7 o'clock in the morning before dragging your butt into an eight-hour-long slog at work? No, no, it sounds like fun when you reminisce about it with the people you did it with. But in reality, now you're in your mid-40s, you've got kids to deal with, you've got aging parents, and you're just bloody tired. You'd hate it. I'd hate it. Um, but it is hard, okay. Again, it's hard not to look back with rose tinted spectacles. Um, but once you do take them off, you will realize that drinking today is supposed to look different to how it did back then. It's supposed to feel different. It's called growing up, and you can't fight it, so just embrace it.

Don’t Wait For Rock Bottom

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Number two, stop waiting for your rock bottom. People say all the time, I don't know why this cornflakes thing has become like the example, but you know, it's like I'm not pouring vodka on my cornflakes, so I'm not that bad. When I hear that, that to me sounds like walking into your doctor's and saying, Hey doctor, I cut my leg open last week, but I want you to wait until it was falling off before I came in to see you. It's just ridiculous. Why do we need to wait for the proverbial rock bottom to come hurtling towards us at full force before we decide to make a better choice for our lives? It's kind of like it's easy to live in the extremes. And I do it too with other things, you know. I'm trying to uh manage my health a bit better, I'm trying to work out, and I'm kind of like, oh, well, you know, I'm not a size 16 yet, so I guess it's okay. It's like, no, why wait until you're at a state where you're not going to like what you've done to yourself before you do something about it? Like, start taking action now. Step up for yourself while it's still your choice, whilst you're still in control, before it becomes a necessity.

It's Not the Booze, it's Your Social Identity

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Number three. The hardest part of changing how you drink is not the alcohol, it's the stories you've told yourself about who you are when you've got a drink in your hand. It's the identity that you have allowed alcohol to place upon who you are without having a say in the matter anymore. It's tied up in all of our memories of the good times, the bad times, births, deaths, marriages, and everything in between. And separating who we are without a drink in our hand from the value that we have to offer as a member of the human race is a mental hurdle that we all have to overcome when we decide that we want to start drinking differently. Because you might see yourself as the life and the soul of the party. I know that I definitely did. Um, you know, you might think that you're the social glue of your inner circle. But if you can't, and and and this is not something I say very often, but there's truth in it, and that is that if you can't interact with your nearest and dearest, unless you are three sheets to the wind, then there is something else going on that you need to address. Now, whether that means that you're looking at moderating, mindful drinking, taking a full break, you know, having 90 days off, 30 days, whatever it is that you need to do to address these thoughts and these feelings that are driving this misbelief that you have that your only value is in the fact that you can get legless and then make everybody else laugh, then that's what you need to handle. Besides which, I like to think that I'm still quite hilarious uh to be around on a night out. And I make myself laugh all the time, whether I'm drinking or not. And see, I told you. Uh and and the fact of the matter is that you probably do as well. You have value, you have intelligence, you you have kindness, you have comedy factor, you know, it's all there, but we spent so long shrouding it all in alcohol that we've kind of forgotten how to tap into who we really are without it. So we need to separate our identity from our identity with alcohol because we are freaking awesome regardless of the ABV in our drink. Um, and the sooner that you recognize that, the sooner you can start making choices and taking actions that are going to serve you better.

Your Friend Group Will Need to Change

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Number four, your social circle will change. And it's probably about time. Uh, I did say that I was gonna be brutally honest with these. How are you holding in there? So your social circle will probably change. Now, hopefully, by the time you reach your mid-40s uh or late 30s or 50s, wherever you are in your midlife journey, you've made some good choices. Uh, and you've surrounded yourself by some uh kind, loving, supportive, awesome individuals who have your back through thick and thin. But you might also know a few douchebags. I mean, let's be honest, we've all got a few of those in our lives somewhere. And look, those people might not get your choice to drink differently, they might not support your journey to a life less intoxicated. And at the extreme, some of them take it as some sort of personal affront that you've decided to make this change in your life, and how dare you, because I want to go out and get rat assed. Is that harsh? I don't think it's harsh. I think sometimes some people do suck. Sometimes I suck, you know, it's just that's a that's a fact of life. Um, but what I would say is that, and this is going to sound a little bit cheesy, but you know, sometimes I like to get a little bit cheesy. Um, some people are in your life for a reason, and some people are in your life for a season. And if uh Sally Ann and John John are only hanging out with you because you're a great drinking buddy, then I say it's time to put those fair weather friends away for the winter and refocus your energy on the people who love you more and judge you less and support you ultimately because that's what you need. And look, look, I know this is easier said than done. I'm not trying to be flippant about the fact that you spent decades creating these friendships. It's something I've spoken about on the show many times before, and it is important, of course. Having people in your corner is important, but you've got to have the right people in your corner. There is no point in holding on to relationships that are not helping you become the better version of yourself just because somebody else is too afraid to let you go. Number five, and this is one that you might not expect me to say, but moderation isn't always the right path for

Moderation Might Not Be Your Path

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everyone, and it might not be right for you. Now, I am obviously a big fan of moderation and mindful drinking, including the name. Um, but I don't advise that anyone spends their evenings out counting their drinks, okay? That's like the first way to suck the joy out of any night out. But mindful drinking does require a level of situational awareness uh that can make your first few nights out feel a bit more confronting than you might like. And if having to consider your drinking choices before you go out or while you're there starts to take the pleasure out of the events, the evening, the lunch, whatever it is that you're doing, then maybe it's not your path at the moment. If you're spending more time thinking about when you're quote unquote allowed to have your next drink or negotiating with yourself on the rules that you set, like you decided that you were gonna go out and just have two drinks, but actually you didn't have two the last time you're out, so maybe I can have an extra one today, and then I won't have one tomorrow. Like if you're doing that all of the time, then this is not the path that's going to serve you the best at this moment in time. Maybe what you need to do is to take a clean break. And maybe you need to just go, do you know what? I need to have three months where I don't have any alcohol at all, and then I'll think about whether I want to reintroduce it back in. You know, if you are white knuckling your way through the entire time and it's causing you more stress, more anxiety, less enjoyment, then it's fine if this isn't for you. Moderation isn't for everybody, and that's okay because trial and error in the process of getting to know yourself better, to getting to know who you are and what works for you is the first step in anything. I would say start small, okay? Go and test moderation and mindful drinking on a quiet Tuesday night catch-up with your bestie at your local, right? Don't go from getting absolutely leathered every weekend to going out next Saturday and not having a single drink and expect that that's gonna help you to find your way on this journey. You won't. It will just be freaking awful. So, you know, pace yourself, test it out, take baby steps and see if this is the path that works for you. And if it does, fantastic. I will help you on this journey every step of the way. And if it doesn't, then that's okay as well. There is other help out there, there are other resources that you can lean on, there are other ways that you can reassess your relationship with alcohol. There is no one path for everybody. And even though I talk passionately about moderation and mindful drinking, I'm well aware that it isn't the right path for everyone. Okay, number six, uh, this is a phrase that I've heard recently. I know it's not a new phrase, but it's new to me, and I quite like it. Um, and that is that you

Impatiently Patient

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need to be impatient with your actions, but patient with your results. And I like this phrase because it speaks to a universal truth that is undeniable, and that is that if you want things to change, you need to act, but you need to be prepared to wait for the results to come in. All right, changing decades of habit. You've been drinking like this for 20, 30, 40 years, okay. You are not going to all of a sudden be able to switch that off and turn into a completely different person overnight. It would be really freaky if you did, all right? But what you can do is you can take steps to make the changes that you want to see, but you need to start now, okay? There is no point in waiting until the right time because it doesn't exist. There will always be a birthday party, uh, a work due, a wedding, uh, a conference, a Friday that you need to attend or spend time with. There's always going to be something. So, first and foremost, is you've got to forget about all of that right time positioning. Uh, when this happens in my life, then I'll be able to start tackling the way that I'm drinking. You've got to forget about all of that and commit to making different choices today, right now. The next thing you need to do is accept that the changes that you want to see are going to take time. That is why you need to start now. Going from uh full-on drinking in a way that you want to move away from to active moderation, things like zebra striping and and bookending, to passive moderation, uh where it integrates more seamlessly into your life, uh, uh, and it's just a natural positioning for you to be able to turn down alcohol when you know it's not gonna serve you. All of that is a journey, it's a process, and it takes time. And if you want to see those results quicker, you have to start quicker. Okay, how long it's gonna take for you, I don't know. Obviously, everybody is different, and we all have our own timeline to follow. But what I do know without a shadow of a doubt is that the longer you wait to start, the longer it's going to be until you see results. You cannot give up on those results. Just because they don't happen straight away, it doesn't mean it's not working. Number seven, um, most of the motivational content that is out there is not going to be for you.

Sober Instagram Isn't For You

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Now, I'm going to preface this one by saying uh up front that you are not alone in this. I've got you every step of the way in your journey to a life less intoxicated. I will be there for you. But the truth of the matter is that the vast majority of content online about alcohol reduction is made either by or for people who view complete sobriety as the ultimate goal. Now, that is not a bad thing. Complete sobriety is definitely not a bad thing. Uh, and it might be your goal. And if it is, that's fantastic. You can probably skip uh the rest of this point. But if it's not your aim to give up booze entirely just yet or at all, and you just want some help and support for those times when you want to drink less, when you want to stop at two and be happy about it, when you want to be able to say just the one for me, thanks, and feel confident about it, then most of Instagram is probably not for you. Uh, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, even LinkedIn, on all of those platforms, the rhetoric is still pretty clear that that the position is booze is bad and you should just stay away. The result of that, however, is that when you do have one or two more than you intended, you end up feeling like a failure instead of like a normal human being who's on their own path and who occasionally cocks things up. I mean, it it happens, it happens all the time. We make mistakes in things, we are just human, and that's absolutely okay. But if you're constantly being bombarded with the message that all booze is bad, you allowing alcohol to be part of your life means that you've failed, or anything similar to that, all it does is send you on like this shame spiral that makes it really hard for you to get back out of again. So just know that if you're looking for support to help you on your journey, then you need to make sure you're looking in the right place. Okay, this podcast is for mindful drinking and moderation in midlife. I help a very specific type of person at a very specific stage of life. I'm talking to people who have lived a bit, who have got kids that they're raising, who've got elderly parents that they're looking after, who've got uh demanding careers that they're managing. That's a very different set of circumstances and therefore a different set of advice and guidance than it would be if this show was for early 20 university students who are trying to navigate their social sphere without relying on alcohol. There's similar goals, but they're very different circumstances. And it's okay that the advice that applies to them isn't the same advice that applies to you. Find the right support for you and your goals and don't let other people's idea of the perfect life derail your efforts for the perfect life for you. Okay, we don't all want the same things, we don't all want to cold plunge at 5 a.m. in the morning whilst reading Anakarenina and drinking gallons of electrolyte infused camel water. You know, it's it's it's horses for courses here, and you've got to find uh the right horse for your course. I'm gonna move on from that metaphor before I labour it anymore. Uh, and the last one on my list today is that um the low-no drinks industry isn't perfect. Uh, regular listeners

Some Alcohol-Free Drinks Suck

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will not be surprised to hear me say this, but if you're new, you might be thinking, but Denise, you love low-no and light drinks. And I do. I think they're freaking amazing. But not all of them. Some of them are dire. Uh as a as an advocate for the low, no and light drinks industry. The first question I often get asked when I'm interviewed on other platforms outside of the mindful drinking space, when I was interviewed on BBC Radio One Extra uh last year, name drop, um, was but Denise, these drinks aren't always great, are they? And my answer was no, no, my friend, no, they are not. Some of them are absolute shit. But they're a hell of a lot better than they used to be, first and foremost, and they are getting better every single day. Uh, we've got beers that taste almost identical to uh quote air quote the real thing. We've got spirits, we've got cocktails, we've got wines. I know there's still work to be done. There's champagnes, there's there's all sorts out there. There's just literally no excuse for that sort of lame dismissal of an entire category because you once had a really warm Bex Blue in the crappy hotel bar somewhere. And anyway, so what if they're not all winners? You can't honestly tell me that you've enjoyed every single alcoholic drink that you've ever tasted. I certainly haven't. Uh, but we sold soldiered on, we soldiered through downing shit shot after shit shot just so we could say, I was there, I was a part of it, I joined in, you know, I'm in with the with the with the crowd. You don't have to like everything in the low-no category. That's absolutely fine. You don't like every single pizza, you don't like every single whatever. Um, but you've got to stop using that as an excuse not to find new drinks to support the life that you said that you wanted to build.

No More Excuses, Start Today

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Now, look, with this episode, I know it was a bit upfront and a bit in your face, and it wasn't my goal to be a dick, but sometimes a little bit of tough love is exactly what you need. Sometimes it's what I need, it's what we all need. So I'm gonna leave you with this thought, okay? No more excuses, no more procrastination. You deserve a life less intoxicated, so start building it today because tomorrow is coming no matter what you do. Okay. Until next week, cheers to a life less intoxicated.