Selfish in the Right Way

The Validator

The Includer

The Traditionalist

The Host

The Controller

Make No Mean No

Compassion Without Compromise

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Why is it that some people find it so hard to take no thank you for an answer? No matter how good your own personal intentions are on a night out. There are some people who seem hellbent on derailing them. Where does that come from? Are they really out to get you? Do they really want to sabotage your goals? Are they really not your friends? The truth is, it likely has nothing to do with you, or at least very little to do with you. And in fact, it's all about them. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, Denise Hamilton Mace, your mindful drinking mentor. After 24 years of working in hospitality and drinking daily, I finally recognise in my early 40s that alcohol was no longer serving me the way it was before. Now I want to use what I've learned as a publisher, writer, and public speaker on all things moderation to help you design, build and live a life less intoxicated on your own terms. If you're ready to make a change without judgment or pressure to quit, then come with me as we dive into the world of low, no and light alcohol, drinks, drinkers, and drinking so that you can take back the power of choice from alcohol. We get so worried, don't we, about what people might think or say when we say that no thanks, not tonight, or I'm not drinking tonight, or I don't feel like it, or whatever language we use. But in reality, most people, to be honest with you, are probably a bit too selfish to actually care about your drinking choices. And I don't say that to be mean. Your friends aren't really horrible people, at least I hope they're not. But we are, as human beings, all intrinsically quite selfish to some degree or another. It's how we've stayed alive for thousands and thousands of years, okay? And you choosing to say no to a drink when other people want you to say yes is also selfish. I want you to hear that and I want you to sit in it, and I want you to be good with it because it is selfish in the best possible way. You are putting yourself and your health, your mental well-being, uh, your goals for your life, all of that. You're putting that first, and that is the best kind of selfish you could be, because it's the kind of selfish that benefits you and everybody that you love in the long run. But what about those friends then? Why is it that they can sometimes have such a hard time with your choices not to drink? In what ways are they being selfish? If that's an intrinsic part of human behaviour, how is that manifesting with the people around you who, when you say no, thank you, they say, Oh, go on just the one? Why are they doing this and what can you do about it? I've got five different personality types to tell you about today, and I'm guessing that you will be able to identify the majority of your friends in all of them. Um, but I'll say first that to answer my earlier question, that no, your friends are not out to get you. In fact, most people who will try to encourage you to drink um at best likely think that they're doing you a favour. And at worst, they just don't get it. They just can't comprehend your choices yet. And that doesn't make them bad people. So, who are these well-intentioned but misguided pushers that we all have in our lives? And why might they be pressuring you to drink? And what is it that they actually need from you? First in R5, we have the validator. Uh, and apart from sounding like a character on gladiators, the validator is the type of person that needs company in their choices. Your drinking validates their drinking, and when you don't join in anymore, they suddenly feel really raw and exposed about their own consumption and choices. It's that whole holding up a mirror thing, particularly if you've had a background together where you've, you know, you've gone out lots, you've partied, you were drinking buddies, uh, and then you suddenly, to them, it will feel sudden, even if you've been thinking about it for a while, suddenly decide that actually I want to step back from that lifestyle a little bit. And then that person feels left out in the cold. How does this manifest? You'll see this or you'll hear this from people who will say things like, Oh, okay, well, if you're not drinking, does that mean I've got to give up too? You know, they they say in that kind of like half-joking, fully awkward kind of way. Um, so what do validators need? Validators need to know from you that you're not judging them, that your choices to drink differently are not full of subtext and judgment about the way that they choose to consume booze. After all, you're different people with different physiologies, and your needs to drink differently arise from a completely different set of circumstances than theirs. And most of all, validators need reassurance that your friendship still exists in a world where your drinking habits no longer uh align or coincide. They need to know that you are still going to be who you are together, even if you're drinking differently from them. Uh, next we have the includer. Includers genuinely believe that alcohol creates connection and they worry that you will feel left out. Includers mean well. They are normally very well-meaning, kind, considerate friends, but they are mistaking shared consumption and shared drinking for shared experiences and shared connection. This is the friend who, um, when you're out, will keep suggesting different types of drinks in the hope that you'll say yes to one of them because the issue is they just haven't found the right type of drink for you. Uh, you know, so oh, just just have a just have a small glass of wine then. You don't have to have a big one, just a small one. Will that will that be better? Um, what do includers need? They, like I said, they're coming from a place of love. They are protectors and they want to make sure that they're keeping their flock together and that you're all safe together. Quite simply, includers just need to know that you're okay, that you're not feeling left out, that you're feeling like you are part of the occasion, whatever occasion it is. They need to know that this is your choice and that you've made it from a position of power and choice and confidence and not from one of fear. And they need to know that you will still be part of the gang, the group, whatever, um, even if your participation looks a little bit different, you know, that you're not just going away from them entirely because you're choosing to drink differently. Then you have your traditionalists. Traditionalists view drinking as an essential part to any type of celebration, networking event, any sort of proper socializing where adults are getting together and your choice not to drink challenges their entire worldview about how social situations should work. I was a traditionalist, particularly working in bars for so long. Of course, you have a drink when you're with another adult human being. That's the first thing that you do. Of course, you have a drink to wet the baby's head, of course you have a drink to mark the middle of the week. It's very much uh an integral part of how a traditionalist believes that people should interact with each other. Um, this will be the type of person, you know, at the company do, um, or or sort of one of your parents' friends, maybe, who might say something like, Well, I've been drinking for years and it's never done me any harm. Oh, okay, good. I'm happy for you. So, what do traditionalists need? Uh so you can teach an old dog new tricks. Uh, I've said that before and I'll stand by it, but it might take a minute or two for the lesson to hit home. So, and traditionalists need time. They just need time and space to get their head around your choices. There is literally no point in battling it out with them. You're not going to convince somebody that their entire world view on how adults, humans should socialize is incorrect. The only way that you can help them to see the benefit of your choices is just by living a good life and showing them that you are still having a great time, regardless of what's in your drink, and regardless of their opinion on it. Our fourth type is called the host or the entertainer. Now, these people believe that their success as a good host, as a good friend, depends entirely on everybody drinking and having a good time and getting sozzled. They take your refusal uh as a personal rejection or a judgment on their hospitality or event planning, particularly if they are planning a party or something and they haven't considered people who might be drinking differently. This, for example, is a person uh who apologizes for your choices. Oh, I'm sorry you're not drinking, and tries to fix it um with gusto. Uh, what do the entertainers need from you or the hosts? They need to know that it's not personal. There's an ego on the line here. Again, this was me uh before, you know, I finished my career in hospitality as an events manager, so I was paid to entertain people. And I used to say quite often my job was to get people pissed, and it was for quite a while. Um, so be gentle with them because there's a there's an ego on the line here, and an ego ego is a fragile thing. Um, know that their discomfort is probably only about 1% about you, and the other 99% is most definitely just about them. Our fifth type is called the controller, aka the alpha. So the controller feels uncomfortable when people make different choices. They need everyone to follow the same script, their script, uh, to feel secure in their position, their status, their standing, their social group. This is the friend who will lightly pull you aside and say something like, Don't worry about it, you were never that bad, or um, or something like um, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on you, I'll stop you before you've had too much. It's like, well, well, thanks. But it doesn't really work like that. So, what do controllers need? Well, they need to know that your choices will not derail their plans, their status, their um position in the social hierarchy, their desire to keep everybody drinking to the same hymn sheet. So have yourself a shot of alcohol-free tequila if you feel so inclined, and show them that the night is still theirs for the taking. If the alcohol-free tequila doesn't float your boat, then just make sure you still join in. Show them that you're not trying to derail anything, you're not trying to take anything away from them, that you are still there to make sure that their night goes off without a hitch. The important thing to know about each one of these personalities is that yes, they do all need to be managed slightly differently, but the one thing they all need is for you to be firm in your convictions. When you say no, you need to mean it. Or they will sense weakness and they will pounce, but you need to stand by your word. If when you say no to a drink, five minutes later you've twisted your own arm and talked yourself into it or allowed yourself to be talked into it, and you do that on one occasion, they will expect you to do that on every single occasion. So have the courage of your convictions. If you are not feeling it on that night, you make it very clear that this is this is what you want to do, and this is the best choice for you in this moment, and they will soon come to understand that no really does mean no when you say it. Uh, and when you understand, okay, that the pressures from these people, from these types, these pressures come from their needs and their maybe misunderstandings and their desires. It gives you the chance to respond uh with less frustration than we can sometimes feel because it can be frustrating, right, when people keep saying, Oh, but how about just a small one? Or, you know, one for the road, or well, you normally do. Uh it can be really frustrating, but understanding the reasons behind it are more than them just trying to get you to have a drink when you didn't want one, that gives you the ability to respond with a bit of compassion and a lot less frustration so that you can ignore it and go about having a good night for yourself. And remember, your friends aren't bad people, they're not horrid, they're not trying to be mean, they just don't yet have all the data, they don't see things the same way as you do. That will happen, but it takes time. So until then, remember that you're not responsible for managing their discomfort by compromising your choices, and you do not need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. That's it for this week, and I hope it's helped to give you some insight into uh some of the dynamics between you and your friends in your social group or perhaps in a work setting. If you'd like a little bit more of a deeper dive into this, there's a whole section on boundary setting, on communicating to people inside the four week midlife mindful drinking reset. So I definitely encourage you to go and check that out. That's it for this week. I will see you next week, and until then, cheers to a life less intoxicated.