What NLP Has to Do With Changing Your Drinking

Your Brain is Wired for Survival

Why Trying Doesn't Work

Wishing & Hoping Is Not A Plan

There is No Should

Swap But For And

From 'I Can’t' To 'What If I Can?'

Practice The Reframes And Move On

SPEAKER_00 0:39

You're trying to drink less. You're heading out hoping that this time will be different. And you can't understand why things aren't getting easier. I used three words in that opening statement that unknowingly make moderation harder for all of us. Not big, fancy, I need a dictionary for that kind of words. Normal, everyday language that we use without thinking because they're just part of our own mental programming, part of how we've always spoken. And when it comes to drinking, those tiny words often shape the decisions that we make in the moment far more than we realise. So today I'm borrowing some wisdom from the world of NLP to help you recognise when you might be using your own words against yourself and the small reframes that you can make to take back the power of language on your way to taking back the power of choice from alcohol. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, Denise Hamilton Mace, your mindful drinking mentor. After 24 years of working in hospitality and drinking daily, I finally recognised in my early 40s that alcohol was no longer serving me the way it was before. Now I want to use what I've learned as a publisher, writer, and public speaker on all things moderation to help you design, build, and live a life less intoxicated on your own terms. If you're ready to make a change without judgment or pressure to quit, then come with me as we dive into the world of low, no and light alcohol, drinks, drinkers, and drinking so that you can take back the power of choice from alcohol. Okay, so NLP, in case you've never come across the term before, stands for Neurolinguistic Programming. And it looks at the words that we use and how those words frame things in our mind and influence our behaviour. And this all matters because what we tell ourselves about our abilities to undertake a task or a challenge is half the battle, sometimes more than half the battle, in knowing how that task or challenge will play out. And the likelihood is that you don't even really think about the words that you use on a daily basis as having a role to play in changing your drinking habits. But after today, you might just be surprised at how often you're sabotaging yourself without meaning to do it and without ever realizing it. And actually, one more word on NLP and why it's so powerful before we look at this list of five words that are holding you back. The human brain is wired for one thing, and that is survival. Every decision that you make, every action that you take is rooted in the belief that this will be the best way for you to survive. Not in the future, we're not talking about long-term thrival, we're talking about in the moment survival. And a large part of that survival is keeping the status quo. Your brain likes to keep everything just as it is, remaining in what doctors called homeostasis, where everything just stays the same. So that is not about challenging yourself to change. It's not about taking big risks, either at home or in work or socially or romantically. All of those things, all of those opportunities and challenges and risks, they're all unknowns. And your brain sees the unknowns as a risk. It sees them as a threat. And we are hardwired to evade threats, to evade dangers and unknowns. And that includes everything from jumping up to speak on stage or at the quarterly meeting, or indeed telling your oldest friends that you no longer want to go on your monthly pub crawl. And the reason that NLP is so powerful in this instance is that it helps us to rewire the messages we're sending to ourselves when we speak, to stop seeing our situation as threats to be avoided, and to start seeing them as opportunities to move towards. That's why knowing and reframing these next five words can be such an unexpected power tool in your journey to a life less intoxicated. Our first word is try, as in tonight I'm going to try to drink less. I believe that Yoda said it best. Don't worry, I'm not going to do the voice. Do or do not. There is no try. Now I'm five foot seven with small ears, so I'm no Yoda, but I wholeheartedly agree with the little green fella on this one. Why is try such a dangerous word when it comes to changing your drinking? I don't think that we realize just how uncommitted to an outcome trying makes us. When we say we'll try, what we're really saying is I might fail at this. We're introducing failure as an option. And we're saying that that option is acceptable to us. However, our brains require certainty. That's not a personality trait or a character flaw, it's just how we survive. Back to the fact that our brains are wired for survival. It's why we don't like walking over rickety bridges or something, you know, or being really high up, because it's uncertain territory and the brain sees no guaranteed survival in uncertainty. So instead of try, I want you to tell yourself, I will drink less tonight. Or better yet, you could be even more specific and say something like, I will stop after two tonight, or I will stop after three drinks tonight, whatever it is that you're setting yourself. That sends a message of definite action to the brain. And that is so much easier for the brain to follow through on rather than trying to drink less. You need to quantify it because what does less mean? If last weekend you went out on a bender and you had 15 glasses of wine, but this time you're going out and you only have 10 glasses of wine, well, that's less, but is it better? So be specific with yourself. And if it does go awry, if you do end up having more than the two or the three that you had set yourself a target to have, it gives you something concrete to work on for the next time rather than just that abstract, oh well, I tried. Number two is hope or wish, as in, I hope I can stick at it this time. Hope is kind of wishy-washy language. It's fantasy that removes all responsibility from the person. And when we say I hope or I wish, we are relinquishing all the power over a situation. And instead, we're handing it over to our old friend the universe to do with it as it pleases. But you are the architect of your own future, and no amount of wishing and hoping is going to change anything or give you the outcome that you want. Instead of just hoping that things will be better this time. Our job is to design them to be that way, even if we only have a small impact, even if there's only a tiny shift, that alone is far more powerful than all the hope in the world. So instead, tell yourself exactly where you went wrong last time and then make a plan. Just one plan for just one moment when you can do things differently. It might be about where you were, it might be about who you were with, it might be about how you ordered drinks, whether you were sat at the bar or at a table, whether you knew the menu really well or not, whether you were distracted when the waiter came along and just agreed to go with what everyone was having, whether you felt pressured or not. Think about that situation and make a plan. And once you have that plan in place, no matter how small it is, no matter how small the impact it has, not only will that give you the win that you've been hoping for, but it will also teach your brain that you have the power to manipulate the outcome to your desire. And that is a very powerful lesson in changing the way you drink. Number three is should, as in, I should be able to do this by now. Hands up if you said that before, because I know that I said it many, many times. Um, as one of my favorite phrases goes, stop shoulding all over yourself. Um, in all types of coaching, whether it's life coaching like we're doing now, or business or relationship, whatever it is, there is one thing that we all agree on, and that is that should is the enemy. Now, other coaches might not put it quite like that, but you know, I can be a little bit blunt sometimes. Um but honestly, should can do one. There is no should. Your journey, your path, your life, your goals, your everything is entirely different from everyone else. And the only reason you're shoulding your way through this all is because you see how easy it is for other people, and you think if he, she, they can do it, then I should be able to do it too. No, bullshit. You have no idea what goes on when Cindy Lou Perky Pants gets off of Instagram or when Jim Bob Big Guns leaves the gym. There is zero benefit to comparing your life to theirs and thinking that you should be doing things the way that they are. Instead, I want you to tell yourself, I am doing this now. It doesn't matter how hard it is, it doesn't matter how many times you have attempted a break, how many times you think you have in air quotes tried and failed, whether it's abstinence, whether it's moderation, or even if this is in some other part of your life, because obviously this can apply to many areas. Tiny steps, baby steps, they all count. And if you are taking action, if you are working towards the goal that you've set yourself, then that counts. And if you don't believe me, remember that there was a time when even Sir Mo Farah couldn't walk to the end of the sofa without falling on his arse. Okay? Baby steps count. Number four is but, as in, I want to drink less, but I'm going to a wedding next month. Sir Mixalot likes big butts, but I cannot lie. If these language adjustments are a superpower, the word but is like kryptonite. So long before uh Game of Thrones made it popular, can you believe I'm only just starting to watch Game of Thrones? I'm so behind the times. Um, but long before it was made popularly in that seeming scene in Game of Thrones, it has been common knowledge that the word but is a really, really powerful and impactful way to wipe out everything that was said before it. Let me give you some examples. I love you, but you really deserve a promotion, but I'm not saying he was right to do that, but think about it. When you hear sentences that start like that, you know that what's coming after the butt is going to completely negate everything that was said before it. And the same effect applies when you use but in your conversation with yourself or with others about your own drinking. But takes away everything that was said before it, and it also diminishes everything that gets said after it. It's a behavioral concept called cognitive dissonance reduction. Using but makes the two parts of your statement, so what you say before the but and what you say after it, appear as if they are contradictions and accept that the second part, so the easier part, the bit that keeps everything the same, is the truth. When we use and, we train the brain instead to see both parts as equally true. And then the challenge mentally becomes how we manage the logistics of the statement, not how we resolve the conflict. So instead of but, I want you to use and. And gives you autonomy. It allows two things to be true and equal at the same time. I want to drink less this weekend, and I'm going to my best friend's 50th. I'm going to drink mindfully this summer, and we're all going on a family holiday. With but, the second part of those statements completely wipe out the first part. With and both things can be true, both things can be equal, and you can find a way to reconcile the logistics of making them both true at the same time. The last word we're looking at today, and there are more that we could uh put on this list, but I don't want to overwhelm you with too many. So the last word that we're looking at today is can't, as in I can't change the way I drink now, I'm too old. First off, you are never too old. We talked about this a few weeks ago in episode 153, which I'll link in the show notes for you if you need to go back and listen to why you're never too old for mindful drinking. The word can't, it reminds me of that really cheesy meme that was super popular in the coaching mentoring space a while back. It's the one that says, whether you tell yourself you can or you tell yourself you can't, you're right. Now, usually I'm not a fan of such sort of cheesy, easy one-liners that sum up real human struggles in one motivational statement. But do you see what that does here? In this instance, I do have to agree, can't is the ultimate limiting language crux that we rely on far too readily and we protect it fiercely. I can't change things now, I'm too set in my ways. I can't moderate, it's too hard. I can't quit, what would my friends say? Or even in other parts of your life, I can't ask for a pay rise, it'd be awkward. I can't do a 5k run, I'll be too slow. Do you notice how with each of those can'ts, they come with an easy and very justifiable excuse to back up that can't? It's like we uh automatically dismiss the possibility of doing the thing, and then we excuse our reluctance with a very reasonable framing that no one could possibly disagree with. But what if you could change things? If you could take a shot at what you want, or you could put yourself forward for what you deserve. At worst, you get a no, and you are no worse off than you are in this very moment. Nothing changes. And at best, you get what you want, and life starts to look just that little bit brighter. So instead of I can't, I simply want you to start saying I can. And if that's too much of a leap, because I know that sometimes these things can be easier said than done, then how about what if I can? How many possibilities would that open up for you? That is an open question that sends your brain onto this adventure where it gets to think about all the possibilities of what if I can do that thing. I'll leave you with this. This isn't about policing your language and berating yourself every time you use a bad word. We've been speaking this way for decades, and the way we speak to and about ourselves is deeply embedded in who we are. But we have to start making changes if we want to start making changes. And supporting your own journey with the language that you use is just one of the steps that you can take towards building a life that you want for yourself. So if you do find yourself using these words when you speak, try, hope, should, but can't. I want you to pause just for a brief moment, acknowledge them, correct them, and move on. This, as with a lot of what we cover on this show and on the Substack, may take a bit of time, but once it starts to stick, you'll be amazed at how much it can do for you. If you found this episode to be uh in any way enlightening, uh informative, helpful, or entertaining, then could you do me a favor? I am trying to gather a few more ratings and reviews for this show. So if you have enjoyed it, please can you give it five stars in your listening app of choice? And if you're able to, a review as well would make me all kinds of happy. Uh, thank you so much for spending some time with me today. And until next time, cheers to a life less intoxicated.