Why Small Habits Matter

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When it comes to changing decades of habit around the way that we drink, it's not always the big major life lessons that have the biggest impact. Sometimes it's those little things that we pick up along the way, the little habits that we start to build on again and again and again that actually have the biggest impact of all. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, Denise Hamilton Mace, your mindful drinking mentor. After 24 years of working in hospitality and drinking daily, I finally recognised in my early 40s that alcohol was no longer serving me the way it was before. Now I want to use what I've learned as a publisher, writer, and public speaker on all things moderation to help you design, build, and live a life less intoxicated on your own terms. If you're ready to make a change without judgment or pressure to quit, then come with me as we dive into the world of low, no, and light alcohol, drinks, drinkers, and drinking so that you can take back the power of choice from alcohol. So today I want to talk to you about some of those little things. And there's quite a few of them, but they are little things, so it's okay that we've got a lot of them. And we're going to do another quick fire episode. Because when I did the 18 quick fire, awkward and sometimes funny uh truths about your soberish Christmas back in episode 122. That was one of the most popular episodes of the year. So if you like that sort of quick fire format, then this is going to be an episode for you. I have got 20 small things that have made a big difference in my own journey to drinking differently. And this comes from the fact that I'm coming up on five years of being inside this way of drinking, of drinking less, drinking differently, being sober curious, being a mindful drinker. As you know, it doesn't matter what language you use, what matters is how you identify with yourself about what you are doing. So without further ado, let's go. Number one, I don't count my drinks. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, more miserable on a night out than having to keep count of how many drinks I've had before I'm allowed to have another. So instead, I'd rather be honest with myself about whether I really want the next drink that's on offer or if I'm just taking it because it's a habit or I don't know what else to do. Number two, I don't negotiate with myself. If I make a conscious choice not to have a drink on the start of an evening, and then I find myself wondering a little bit later if maybe I made the right choice. Maybe I should just have one. I don't second guess myself anymore. This did take time to learn, but the me that made the choice earlier on in the evening was a wiser version than the me who is fighting temptation at the bar. So I let that version of me uh rule the night and I just do as I'm told. Number three, I also don't negotiate with terrorists. I see no benefit in getting into a debate with somebody about whether I should be fine to have just one or whether I'm not celebrating properly by their standards. Um, this is my life and it's my choice. And if the other person doesn't get it, then that is a them problem and not a me problem. There is a nuance to this though, and I'm not pretending that it's easy. Obviously, we are flying through these at the moment, but if you want to dive into this topic in more detail, it's one of the points that I dive into in more detail inside the four-week midlife mindful drinking reset. So I definitely recommend you go and check that out. You can check the link in the show notes, but on with our list. Because number four is whilst I don't negotiate with terrorists in number three, in number four, I do explain what's going on to friends, to the people that I care about. Because I don't live in a vacuum and we need people around us to understand what we're going through, why we're making the choices that we've made, what we're trying to achieve. And it's really hard for them to support us if they don't know what we're doing or why we're doing it. So I do share with the people I care about. Number five is I keep it simple. So I try personally to stay away from overcomplicated rules about what I can and can't drink, on what days or what times. I base my decision more on what will serve me better uh tonight or in this moment or at this lunch and tomorrow when I've got things to do, I've got kids to look after, I've got a house that never ever seems to stay tidy, um, rather than whether it's a permitted day or an allotted time. Number six, when I'm done, I'm done. Uh in the past, I would have attended the opening of an envelope if there was a promise of free booze on offer. Um, but not anymore. If I am not entertained by the company that I'm keeping, by the situation that I'm in, then I'm off. I'm going home. I'd much rather just sit on the sofa with a packet of posh crisps and watch Netflix and chill out. Um, number seven. If I do have a drink, however, I enjoy it guilt-free. So mindful drinking, by definition, means that sometimes the choice will be to have a full-strength drink or a mid-strength drink. And on those occasions, I make sure that I don't beat myself up about it. It's not a failure, it's not something to feel embarrassed about or sad about. It's just a choice that I made. And if it's a conscious choice, then there's nothing to feel guilty about. Number eight, I pay happily for low-no and light drinks that make me feel special. A bit controversial. I know. I know that there are still a lot of people who still don't quite get why alcohol-free drinks cost the way that they do. I am covering that inside drinks 101, which is the second episode I've introduced to the podcast, where in just a few minutes I help make lono and light drinks make sense. So in episode 164, uh, I explain exactly why lono and light drinks cost the way that they do. So go and check that one out if you want a bit more detail. But what I would say for now is that I am happy to pay a fair price for an amazing drink that makes me feel just as involved, just as special, uh, just as adult as everybody else, and leaves me without the extra cost of hang of a hangover in the morning. Number nine, I don't show off, but I don't hide things either. So I think the joke goes something like, How do you know if someone is alcohol free? Wait 10 seconds and they'll tell you. Now that's an adaptation, isn't it, from the whole vegan era where people would say the same thing about how do you know if somebody is vegan? Um, I'm not on my lono soapbox when I'm on a night out. Although people do always talk to me about their drinking habits when they find out what I do for a living. Um, I'm not judging and I'm not questioning. Um, and I'm not showing off about how fantastic I feel uh either during the night when everyone else is falling down or the next morning when my friends are all hanging. Um, but I am proud of the choice that I am making for myself, and I'll never be embarrassed to say so. But I understand I don't need to rub it in everybody's face. Uh, number 10, I eat. Yes, food is a fuel, but it's also a great defender against cravings if you're trying not to drink and against overconsumption if you've decided that you are. Low blood sugar causes cravings for sweet things, and that includes your favorite porn star martini or whatever sugary cocktail you like. Um, and it also impairs decision making, making it harder to stick to the goals that you set yourself. If you're going out, eat. Uh, number 11, I sleep. At least I try to. My sleep is terrible at the moment, but I'm working on it because every good or bad day starts before I get out of bed. Sleep is just as important uh as food in protecting my capacity to make functional choices, executive decisions. And when I'm tired, alcohol always seems like a better idea than it is. And all it does is combine together with the lack of sleep and the tiredness and the cortisol and start this cascade of behavior that is really hard to get back out of again. Number 12, I check menus before I go out. Having a decent low-no or light alternative selection is half the battle. Uh, and as I said before, pubs and bars are getting better, um, but they're not perfect yet. So knowing what I can have before I get to the bar uh has helped me in the past to stay strong in my choice because decision fatigue uh can be the enemy. And number 13, if there isn't a good selection, I have a backup list of choices in mind just in case. So, what do I mean by a backup list? Well, drinks that I know that pretty much any pub or bar will be able to make that are alcohol-free, that feel adult, that aren't a pint of elderflower and soda or a pint of coke, because it's absolutely horrible to have an eye out. Everyone's having a really lovely glass of wine, and I'm sat there with a pint of coke. No thank you. Um, so have a few drinks in mind. It depends on what you like to drink. One quick tip here: lemon, lime, and bitters tastes lovely, feels really adult. The bitters add some dryness. They do contain uh alcohol, but it's such a minute amount that once it's in your drink, it's still less than 0.5%. Uh, so that's a really good one uh for you to try if you're looking for something to add to your go-to list. Okay, so we've still got a few more to go. Where are we? We're at number 14 now, and that is I compare how I feel the next day, not to how other people are feeling, but to how I could have been feeling if I had drunk more. So, in the unlikely event that I wake up feeling like I missed out on the wild shenanigans and everybody's craziness, I stop and just take a minute whilst I'm still lying in bed and compare how I'm feeling right now to how bad I know I could have been feeling if I was to have tried to join in and match everybody drink for drink. I used to get terrible hangovers. I mean terrible, terrible. I could be sick for 24 hours and then take another week to recover and then I'd go and do it all over again. And just remembering that already makes me feel so much better that even if I did feel like I missed out on something, which I probably didn't, I know that I have gained so much more by the fact that I've woken up feeling great the next day. Number 15, I treat myself to other things I enjoy. When I am not spending all of my money on booze, kebabs, fags, and cabs, there is so much more left over for the finer things in life. And that is everything from the posh ice cream to the expensive no lo prosecco to a night out with my other half, to I don't know, just something that I do just for myself, buying myself the things that I want to get, whatever it is, whatever constitutes a treat in your life, because you are not spending all that money on alcohol, you have more left over to spend on you. Number 16, I fantasize about a life less intoxicated. You've heard me say that phrase lots of times before. You know it's my signature phrase because I do believe that we all deserve a life less intoxicated. So, what do I mean by that? I mean really fantasize. What are the things that I always wanted to do but never got around to because I felt like death, warmed up every time I had a day off? All of the stuff that I could never do because I knew that alcohol was always in my system. For example, and this might not seem very glamorous, I am 46 years old and I don't know how to drive. Now, one of the reasons I never learned how to drive is because I grew up in London, first of all, where we have fantastic public transport, no matter what anybody says, it is 24 hours. You can get absolutely anywhere. Um, but at the time when I was supposed to learn to drive, I was drinking loads. And I just knew, I suppose it was quite a wise decision. I knew it wasn't a good idea for me to get a license and to sit behind the wheel of a car and to have that much power. Uh, and so one of the things that I want to do is I want to learn how to drive. Um, but it's scary in your 40s because you realize that you're not quite as invincible as you were, which I guess is why you learn when you're 16, 17. Anyway, fantasize a life less intoxicated. Think about the things that you always wanted to do, but you never gave yourself the time, the space, the ability, the clarity of mind to do. And go and do it. Little hint here though, you won't do everything. And that's okay. I'm not saying that life is going to be a bed of roses now, because that is point number 17. I don't expect life to be perfect now. Alcohol never makes things better, okay? But not drinking doesn't magically make all of my problems go away either. I know that I still have to put the work in. All right. Number 18. I allow flexibility without judgment. This one should come as no surprise if you've been listening for a while. Um, I barely touch booze anymore. Uh, it just doesn't interest me like it did before. But on my way here, I did learn that life doesn't always go according to plan. And sometimes I did drink more than I intended to, or I did feel a bit rotten the next day, whatever it was. And so I allowed myself the flexibility I needed to adapt in any drinking situation and any day after. Um, and when I say adapt in any drinking situation, I don't mean just, you know, kowtowing to other people's needs and deciding to, you know, just drink to make everybody happy, but I mean the fact that I'll go to a bar and I really want a glass of alcohol-free proseco or wine, and all they've got is beer. Uh, so what do I do? I can either sit there and have that awful pint of coke I spoke about, or I could go and have an alcoholic glass of wine, or I can adapt and say, Do you know what, today I'm drinking alcohol-free beer, but the next time I'll make sure that I'm going somewhere that's got something really lovely for me. Or I'll buy myself a nice bottle of something on the way home to have a little bit of an extra treat. So that flexibility without judgment, without negativity, without spiraling, has made such a huge difference for me. Number 19, just two more to go. Um, number 19, I never drink to regulate my feelings, good ones or bad. I don't use alcohol to make a shitty day better. It doesn't work. But I also don't use it to make a celebration sweeter. I've learned now to detach alcohol from my emotional load in either direction. And that means that it no longer dictates how those emotions play out. Because we've all been there at those times when you used alcohol because you're feeling really crappy and you think it will just take the edge off when in fact it makes you feel worse. Or you're celebrating and you think, yay, let's have a couple of drinks, and then before you know it, the night's taken a turn and it's gone into something completely different, and you've come out of that celebration and into something completely different. So I don't allow alcohol to be a salve for either good feelings or bad feelings. And the last but not least, number 20, I put myself first. Drinking less is my choice. It is a selfish decision to put myself first at all times. And I've learned to be okay with that, even if other people aren't. Now, if you want some help building your own version of this list, then keep listening and you will hear a bit more about the four week midlife mindful drinking reset and how it can help you with that. Until next week, cheers to a life less intoxicated.