Why Moderation Feels Hard

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Sometimes it's a habit that finds you pouring your usual postwork vino before you've even thought about it. Sometimes it's a reaction to a crappy day and the only way you can think to wind down. And sometimes it's a craving that hits as soon as your mate starts retelling that story about that thing you did in that time, in that place. Most of your past moderation attempts didn't fail because you're not good at it. They felt hard because you were trying to solve for the symptom and not for the cause. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast, where it's my goal to help you take back the power of choice from alcohol. I'm your host and mindful drinking mentor, Denise Hamilton Mace, and this is the start of your journey to a life less intoxicating. It's easy to think from the outside that moderating your drinking is a simple A B equation. Drink less, feel better. Maybe if you're trying to simply cut down on the number of units you consume during the week, that sort of thinking might work. But if you're working on something more complex, like emotional regulation or stress management, then that kind of binary thinking isn't really going to do anything for you. Most of the time, we're treating the symptoms of drinking more than we want to, such as trying to stick to just having one or managing the hangover and the guilt the morning after. Instead, what we need to do is identify the cause and then match a technique or a tool or a resource to address that specific situation. As you've heard me say before, it's horses for courses. So we're going to look together today at the real cause, the feeling or the driving factor, however you want to refer to it, behind why you over-drink when you set all of the best of intentions not to, and how you can adapt your moderation plan by asking yourself some simple questions to better manage each one of those situations because different drinking needs call for different drinking techniques. This episode will help you to diagnose the real reason drinking less feels hard so you can stop throwing the right solution at the wrong problem. So, what's really driving your desire to drink? We have got six categories, and at the end, I'm going to share with you six questions that you can ask yourself, one for each, that will help you determine if you are applying the right solution to the problem you're feeling in that particular moment. Because don't forget, this is not going to be a one size fits all. Every time I feel like having a drink, it's because of this reason. Different situations, different circumstances, different times of the day, different days of the week, different weeks of the year. Everything has its own unique, specific set of circumstances. Not to mention the fact that you are your own unique specific circumstance in each one of those situations. Okay, so let's start with the big one, and that is cravings. So a craving is the combined emotional and physiological pull that you feel towards alcohol. Okay, it's not the habit itself, it's not the automatic reaction. And I think sometimes we get those um confused or muddled or we mislabel them. But a craving is a sort of a visceral sensation that takes place and it happens simultaneously, both in the mind and in the body. And that's what makes it so damn hard to resist. You're literally double-teaming yourself, and that is a hard battle to win. But notice I said hard, not impossible. And the tricky thing about um cravings is that the buggers can be caused by any number of innocent seeming occurrences. So some of them might be more obvious, like seeing a bottle of wine in the fridge, or as you walk down the boozle in Sainsbury's, um, watching your other half pour themselves a drink. But sometimes it's something far more subtle. It might be a smell that you don't know where it comes from, and that evokes a memory or a passing comment made by somebody who is none the wiser, doesn't know what they're saying, but it reminds you, it takes you back to a different time, a different place. Now, cravings can hit hard and they can hit fast. The good news is that they can also pass pretty quickly too. I did a whole episode for you about managing uh cravings a couple of weeks ago. It was episode 173, and I'll link to it in the show notes for you to go and check out after this one rather than repeating everything that I said. But it's a really good one for you to listen to to get a better understanding of why our cravings hit, how to handle them, and how long they actually last. And hint it's not as long as you think they do. Okay, the second driver that leads you to often drink more than you would like is social pressure. And I'm gonna spend a little bit of time on this one because I think there's a little bit of nuance here. Because, real or projected, the belief that everyone wants or expects you to drink is something that can be really hard to ignore. Okay, we're programmed to fit in with the crowd, to do what others around us do, and doing something different from that is not only scary, but it's prehistorically dangerous. We've been programmed to stick with the safety in numbers philosophy. Uh, and if everybody was running out of a cave back in the day, then you wouldn't go walking into it. Just like now, if you were, I don't know, taking your kids to the zoo and you get to the zoo and everyone's running away, you're not going to go walking in there to see what's escaped. You just start running. So sticking with the crowd is a biological, prehistoric imperative that we have, and that applies just as much to running for safety as it does to social acceptance. And drinking is very much a large part of social of our social acceptance hierarchy. The circles that we're in, the social class that we uh belong to or would like to belong to, the culture in our workplaces, all of that is underlined in many ways by alcohol and the types of alcohol, you know, what you drink in certain situations and around certain people. So it's really tied up in so much of who we are, not only as an individual, but also as a society. The thing about social pressure that you might not want to hear, though, is that sometimes it is a projected pressure that comes from ourselves and not from those around us. Sometimes that pressure is coming from you and nobody else. You think you're supposed to drink. So you assume that they all think that you're supposed to drink too. The truth of the matter is that most of the time, people are largely just trying their best to deal with their own shit and are very disinterested in you and yours. And this might be a moment where you need a minute to pause and to think about this. Because when I've done research, when I've done surveys, when I've spoken to people at events or over on my Substack when I take my polls, social pressure is one of the biggest concerns that a lot of people seem to have. But when I ask the question, how often have you felt pressurized to consume alcohol? a large percentage of you said, Well, actually, not very often at all. So it's really important that you stop and just take a moment and think, is this social pressure coming from outside or is it coming from within? Now, if it is genuine peer pressure, my advice would be to change where you dock your boat for a little while until you feel strong enough that you can resist those waves of temptation coming in from other people. But it's important when you're trying to make a change that benefits you and the people that you love and what's important to you in life, that you put that first for a while. And I'm not suggesting that means that you give up your entire friend group, not at all. But I am suggesting that maybe whilst you're dealing with these changes and whilst you're strengthening your resolve, that you perhaps look at different ways to socialize with different people or with the same people in different situations. Right, the next thing that can often drive us to drink more than we want to, the third on our list is habit. Again, this is a topic that I've covered before and will cover again because it is such, such a big one. But a habit is different from a craving and it's different from social pressure. We're really familiar with this one, right? It's been years and years or decades of doing certain things a certain way. And a habit is seriously difficult ground to break. Nearly half of everyone who responded on my poll on Substack uh last year about this topic said that um breaking decades of habit was the biggest obstacle to drinking differently. So if you do feel that too, know that you are not alone. You are in good company. So the habit loop is something that I've also talked about on this show before. Uh, episode 111 is a great one to listen to. Uh and in that I dive into more about what the habit loop is and the cue uh action and reward. And I'm also planning a little habit mini series soon, too. So if you haven't hit subscribe yet, then this would be a really good time to make sure that you are subscribed or following the show in whichever app you use to hear my voice right now. Well, when the driver of your overdrinking, if that's what you feel you're doing at the moment, uh, is automatic, almost unthinking. When it's a habit and you find yourself with a glass in your hand before you've even really thought about whether or not you wanted it, that needs an entirely different approach than, say, our next driver, which is reward. In the case of habit, you're actually trying to undo something and then introduce new behavior on top of that. That's a two-pronged approach that's far more complex than it might first seem. Number four is reward. So that reward feeling is, I think, one of the biggest drivers for alcohol consumption that I hear about from other people, and also that I've lived through myself. So I used to manage bars in the West End. Uh wasn't an easy place to work. It sounds like fun, and it was. It was so much fun at times, but it was also really, really hard work most of the time. It was tiring, uh, it was mentally and emotionally stressful, it was physically demanding work, I had pressure coming from uh my staff, from my bosses, from the customers, from all sorts of angles. So at the end of a shift, I felt like I'd earned myself a drink. Heck, the whole team had earned a drink. You know, we deserved a reward, and that reward was alcohol. The thing is, we all think that our jobs are stressful, and we all work damn hard, and we all deserve a reward for that every day. So drinking goes from being something I do for fun or enjoyment to something I'm entitled to because life is hard. But how do you then reconcile that against a desire to make life easier for yourself? Yes, life is hard, but if your reward is ultimately ultimately making your current state of life worse in the long run, is that really a reward for you? What else, perhaps, could you treat yourself to that would actually add more than it takes away? Could you rotate rewards? Sometimes it might be a nice glass of red. Maybe you know you've got a really nice bottle that you save for special occasions or that you've really wanted to try, whatever it is. But sometimes it might be something else. Sometimes it might just be some quiet, some peace and quiet and alone time. My favorite reward. Uh, sometimes it's saving the money that you would have spent on the booze to put towards something that you want, like a trip abroad, or some new shoes, or a sports watch, or whatever it is that that matters to you. Next on our list, number five, is fatigue. This is a big driver for drinking more than you intended to because it's one that sneaks up on you. So we call it a nightcap, you know, one final drink to see us up for the off for the evening, uh, to help us wind down and to shut off the world. But two things. One, the thought that alcohol helps you to sleep better is a myth that I uh I'd love to help you bust right now. So, in brief, alcohol increases the release of uh sleep hormone called adenosine. So you do fall asleep quicker when you consume alcohol. But the effects of this induced uh spike wear off pretty quickly. Two, and the rest of your night is spent trying to re-regulate your sleep and usually failing miserably. Number two, the dependency on a drink to get you off to sleep isn't about the alcohol, it's about having unresolved real-world big kid stuff on your mind that you need to deal with so that it can leave you the hell alone. Now, dealing with your real world problems doesn't mean you have to solve everything tonight, by the way. Obviously, if you could do that, then you would have done it already. What I mean is you need to acknowledge them. Getting the things that are driving you crazy out of your head and onto, say, paper is a surprisingly effective method uh for this. And then making a simple plan of attack the next day, again, not to solve everything one go, but to communicate to yourself that you're taking steps to put right whatever is wrong. That helps to clear the, I guess, backlog of thoughts spinning around in your head so you can let them go in the moment and actually get some proper rest, allowing you to wake up in the morning better able to deal with what it is that has been keeping you up at night. Okay. The sixth thing on our list is mood. Now, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, boredom, joy. You name an emotion, uh, and I can name you the drink that I used to use to serve it. The thing uh about emotional regulation and alcohol is that we don't always know that we're doing it. And even when we do, we don't always understand why we're doing it. So take stress, for example. For me, that meant Jack Daniels. Strong, full-flavoured, full-bodied drink, usually on the rocks or straight up, depending on the level of the stress. Now, was this a discussion I had with myself? Was this a conscious choice that I made? No, hell no, it was 100% pure reactionary drinking. Did it help my situation? The truth is that I couldn't tell you because I never actually stopped to analyze, even just for a moment, what I wanted the drink to do for me. So I couldn't possibly know if it achieved it. Now, on the flip side, good moods are a massively overlooked trigger in drinking more than you might want to. And I would bet that if you took a moment to analyze how you drink in different mood states, you'll start to notice patterns that you never saw before. So, yes, you might be happy and having a really good time. What is your go-to drink in those situations and what does it lead to? When you're having a drink for mood regulation, you need to stop and think what you want that mood drink to do for you. What is it that you want to achieve by drinking your go-to mood drink? And if it's really going to help you get the job done, not just in the short term, but also in the actual real life long term that you have to deal with after you put the glass down. Now, if you feel that alcohol does help, then you know you do what you think is best. But if you feel that it doesn't help, then it's time to start thinking about what could work better for you. And it could be simple things like just talking or moving or laughing or crying. Sometimes we all need a good cry. So, whatever method you use to moderate your drinking, whether it's sort of zebra striping or pacing or not drinking uh unless you're having a meal or something like that, whatever it is, it will only work as well as it can if you're using the right technique for the right driver. There's a golf reference in there somewhere, there's a golf analogy, but I know nothing about that sport, so please insert your own. Um, so before you reach for a strategy, before you decide that zebra striping is your go-to moderation technique for all occasions, first of all, I want you to ask yourself what's actually driving your desire to have this drink, because that is what's going to tell you what to do next. So, six causes. We've just been through those. These are the six questions. If you're feeling a craving, I want you to ask yourself, do I actually want this drink or do I just need to wait it out? Most cravings pass in as little as five to 15 minutes. And if you haven't listened to episode 173, you might be surprised to hear that. I explain it all in more detail there. So, like I said, I'll link to that one in the show notes. But think about this really. Give yourself a moment before you um give in to the craving, before you allow it to make the decision for you. Stop, take yourself away from the situation that you're in, other step outside, go into a different room, get some fresh air, whatever it is, physically move yourself from the space that you are in and take a moment to think do I actually want this drink that I am craving, or do I just need to wait it out? Or is there something else that I might want instead? If you feel that your overconsumption is led by social pressure, then the question I want you to ask yourself is this Am I having this drink because I actually want it? Or am I having this drink to fit in? If you say yes to having the drink to trying to fit in, I then want you to ask yourself, Am I trying to fit in because the group asks me to, or am I doing it because I think that's what I'm supposed to do? Okay, now if you do decide that you are going to consume alcohol, uh, but you are aware that social pressure can lead you to drinking more than you want to at times, then maybe try some practical techniques like pacing yourself to just one drink an hour. This is a really great way for you to release some of that pressure. You have your drink, you order a small one. So if you normally have a GT, have a single, if you normally have a glass of wine, have a small, and so on and so forth. And you tell yourself, I'll wait another, I'll wait a whole hour before I order my next drink. The reason you do that is because whilst that time is passing, it gives you a moment to let the drink take effect, whatever it is that you're hoping it will do for you, and to pause and think about whether or not you really want another one, if that is going to achieve what you want it to achieve. You might surprise yourself, you might just find that you do want another drink, but you're quite happy for it to be alcohol-free. If your overdrinking driver is habit or reward, then these are the questions I want you to ask yourself. Okay, if it is habit, you might not realize until after you've poured the drink. So, what I want you to do is as soon as you realize this, as soon as it's dawned on you, is just to take a moment, put the glass down on the table in front of you, look at it, and ask yourself, did I choose that drink or did it just happen? And if it's a reward situation, if you find that you're pouring yourself that glass of red because, damn it, you've had a hard day and you really deserve it, then I want you to ask yourself, is this drink making today better, or is it just trying to put a cap on it? Okay, when it's a feeling of habit or reward that you're dealing with, replacing those drinks with something else that has half the alcohol content could give you uh the sensation and the sensory release that you're after, but with less booze. Uh, it's referred to as coasting when you drink half strength drinks throughout your drinking occasion, or even if it's just one drink at home after work. If you're having a mid strength beer at say two to three percent, or a mid strength uh spirit. It at 15 or 20 percent. You're still consuming alcohol if that's the reward that you think that you have earned, but you're cutting the amount in half. Once you've done that, it becomes a lot easier to continue with that for the evening because you've got the taste sensation. You've realized actually you don't need the full strength version. Okay, what about fatigue? What do you ask yourself if you think you're overdrinking due to tiredness? This one's really simple. Do I really need alcohol or do I need genuine rest? I have noticed for myself that I get really hungry when I'm tired. And it's taking me ages to figure it out. And I mean like really gluttonous hungry. Not for, you know, a nice roasted cauliflower dish, but for all the crisps, all the chocolates, all the kids' sweets. I'm raiding their snack basket. And the reason I'm doing that is because my body is calling for either rest or energy. And so I feed it. I feed it energy to give it glucose, to allow me to continue it about my day. When actually, what I really need to do is take a break. Now I work from home for myself, yay me. So if I'm really tired, I can take a break in the afternoon and I can have a nap. You might not have that luxury, and I'm very well aware that this is a luxury for me that a lot of people don't have, but with remote working, you might have that option. If you do need to have a break, have a break. If you need to have a rest, have a rest, okay? If you're at work uh on location, I guess, not just apply to actors, but if you you know what I mean, if you're in the office, if you're uh on shift wherever you are, I realize that that's not going to be uh as helpful. But also, neither is alcohol. Okay, so when you finished your shift, instead of going straight to the pub to um give yourself a little boost, a little uh a cocktail boost before you head home, maybe just go home and get some rest. Read a good book, put the lights down low, sort out your sort of sleep hygiene, make sure your room's not too warm, uh, make sure that you're uh there's not too much light coming in. Get off your screens an hour before you're going to go to bed and get some sleep. The worst thing is being absolutely exhausted and not being able to sleep because you've got scrolling eyes. Okay. Um booze doesn't help with tiredness in the moment or the morning after. And more than just not helping, it actually makes things worse. As I said, you don't sleep as well. When you've had alcohol, up to two to three hours before you go to sleep, it's going to start to interfere with your adenosine release, it's going to start to interfere with your REM sleep, which is the bit of sleep that you need to do all the actual restoration, both physically and mentally. And finally, if your driver to overdrinking is mood, um then I want you to ask yourself, what is it that I want this drink to do for me? If you're trying to regulate your mood, okay, then whether it's a good mood or a bad mood, booze is highly unlikely to be the answer. I want to make that very clear. But if you do decide that alcohol has a place, then something like zebra striping with one uh mid or full strength drink followed by one low-no drink might just give you that space and uh mental space and time to work through um whatever emotions that you are feeling without relying on the external validation of alcohol to get you through it. So alcohol exacerbates bad moods uh and it does add some enlightenment and some uh heightened joy to good moods. We all know that, otherwise, we wouldn't have been drinking it for centuries and centuries, but it does have a knock-on effect, and those moods don't go away. You know, if you are drinking to regulate a bad mood, it's not going to go anywhere. It's likely just going to get worse, and when you wake up in the morning, you're gonna feel doubly bad. If you're drinking to regulate a good mood, you're already in a happy place. Embrace that enjoyment and don't let alcohol be the thing that turns it into something different. All of this to say, all of these questions that that I've given you to ask yourself here, none of these are intended for you to beat yourself up or to make yourself feel bad if you do choose to have alcohol. My message here is that if you choose to have alcohol, make sure that it is your choice and that you are having it for a reason that is going to add to your life, not to take away from it in the long run. Now, if you want to be able to see this in practice, if you want a bit more guidance than we've got time for on a 30-minute podcast together, then I have made a new tool for this for you inside the vault. The vault is my Substack membership. This tool will help you to go through these questions for different situations so that you can work out which types of moderation techniques, whether it's zebra striping, abstaining, pacing, half strength drinks, whatever it is, you can figure out which types of techniques work best for you when you're dealing with different alcohol drivers. And as I said in the beginning, remember that it's not going to be the same every time. Okay. When you are looking for a reward, the moderation technique that you use when you're at home and needing a reward might be different from the moderation technique that you use when you're at a work due and wanting a reward. So using this tool allows you to work out the different options that work best for you in different situations. You can find it inside the vault when you become a member of the Mindful Drinking Substack. There is a link to it in the show notes for you, or you could go to mindfuldrinking.substack.com. That's it from me for this week. I'll see you next week, and until then, cheers to a life less intoxicated.