The Moderation Challenge

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Most people don't want to be sober. Most people don't want to never have a drink again. And most people don't want to make a choice today that decides the course of every social situation they've yet to enjoy for the rest of their lives. But at some point on this moderation journey, you will likely ask yourself if moderation is really the right path for you. You'll see a post or read an article that states categorically that moderation is harder than abstinence, and you'll wonder if it would be easier for you to just pack up the booze for good and call it a day. But deep down you don't feel like that's entirely the right move for you right now. The truth is, I don't think there are any unbiased opinions about whether moderating is truly harder than quitting. And I include mine in that as well. We are all influenced by our own life experiences, and if you want to know if moderation is right for you, no amount of article reading, podcast listening, or well-meaning pop psychology from your mate Tommy is going to be able to answer that for you. So today I want us to explore why so many people think that moderation is harder than quitting, the real challenges in drinking less versus none at all, and how to find your own truth in it all. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast, where it's my goal to help you take back the power of choice from alcohol. I'm your host and mindful drinking mentor, Denise Hamilton Mace, and this is the start of your journey to a life less intoxicating. The thing that I think is misunderstood is that most people already drink moderately, okay, in one shape or form. This is actually what makes my job so hard because I'm trying to coach you on something that you already do, but in a way that helps you to believe in your ability to do it. But when it comes to alcohol, for some reason we hear the word moderation, and suddenly it can feel like this massive hill to climb. We start thinking of all the reasons why going for just one isn't possible, and we end up talking ourselves out of it before we ever really give it a go. And honestly, moderating your alcohol intake is not a simple one, two-step kind of thing. It's not I want to moderate, therefore I do. It's not that type of process, not for everyone at least. For some people, it does require a lot of effort and practice and dedication, and you will have slip-ups and setbacks and disappointments. But just because something is hard, it doesn't mean it isn't possible. Look at the lifetime full of hard things that you have already achieved. From studying at school or university to learning to drive a car, to getting that promotion, to keeping your children alive and on track to be decent human beings, to doing that workout when you didn't want to, to not eating all the cake when it's in front of you. Life is full of hard things to varying degrees. So that cannot be your excuse anymore. So, what is it that makes moderation harder than quitting? Why do some people believe this so vehemently? The

The Self-Negotiation Problem

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most common reason I get quoted at me whenever I have these um debates or conversations with the abstinence-only crew is that moderation is a constant self-negotiation and it requires ongoing decision making throughout your night. And therefore, that makes it so much more difficult than just quitting alone. And there's a truth to that. When you are moderating your alcohol intake, when you're drinking mindfully, you are dealing with questions like should I drink tonight? How much should I drink tonight? What moderation should I take new? Should I zebra stripe or bookend? If I do drink, should I have wine because I can enjoy it more and have fewer? Or should I have a beer and make it last longer so I don't drink as much? These are all the types of questions that fly around in your head. They flew around in my head when I started as well. And you compare that to the single decision not to drink at all for a night out. So of course, there is a real difference in the level of effort that's required to make one decision instead of making five or six ongoing ones throughout the night. I completely see that. But when you're choosing to moderate your alcohol intake and to take your drinking at a different pace to what you usually do, the wins don't come just from making one choice and walking away. Each decision that you make to drink mindfully, to pace yourself, to op for a low or no light or light drink this round instead of a full strength one, each one of those choices is a tick in the win column or a check in the win column. And every win that you have reinforces your ability to make that kind of conscious choice that serves you better the next time until it starts to become a part of who

Turning Many Choices Into One

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you are. This is about a process. And I think that what gets misunderstood is that this isn't just one moment in time. Moderation, drinking mindfully, changing the way that you drink, drinking flexibly, whatever terms you decide to use to describe your status, if you use a term at all, is not just about one moment. It's not just about one decision. And I can promise you, after five plus years of drinking differently, I no longer have to ask myself that raft of questions about every single drinking choice I make. For me now, it's just one simple question. And it's do I really want this drink? And inside that question is all of the other thought processes and all of the other choices that I used to run through one by one. Because over time they began to morph, they began to amalgamate into one simple approach rather than me having to think about every single different aspect, much like I'm told learning to drive a car. Because yes, that's right, I don't know how to drive. I grew up in London my whole life, just didn't seem necessary. But there's often that example given, isn't there? You know, when you first learn to drive, or for me, when I first learned to um ride my scooter, I had to think about everything all the time. Think about the throttle, think about accelerating, think about how you brake, think about putting my foot down to balance the bike, think about changing gears, think about putting on your indicator. All of these things were conscious choices that you had to make. And it's the same thing with drinking. For me, all of those conscious choices went from think about this clearly, ask myself the question, gather the answer, weigh up the consequences, take action. And now that's changed from thinking, for example, shall I have wine or cocktail tonight to do I want anything at all? Should I zebra stripe or just stick to mid-strength drinks all night? Became, will I enjoy all my drinks if I drink that way? And will I be able to stop at one or two drinks? Became, is tomorrow less important than tonight? Eventually, all of those questions stopped needing their own individual thought process as they all came to mean one thing for me, and that was, is this drink worth it for me? Do I really want this drink? Sometimes the answer was yes, and when it was, I sat back and I enjoyed every sip, knowing that I'd made a choice that served me best in that moment and the ones after. And sometimes the answer was no. And I could feel, and I do feel equally comfortable and justified in that choice too.

What Does Success Look Like in Moderation?

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But then how do you measure success in moderation? This is the second question that most people ask. Because giving up completely has a clarity to it. You either drink alcohol or you don't drink alcohol. It's finite. It's this one or it's that one. But moderating, well, that doesn't have a definitiveness to it. A definity? Definity is not a word. It should be a word. I want to make it a word. We'll stick to definitiveness, but I mean definity. So moderating doesn't have that definitiveness to it. So we end up thinking things or asking ourselves things like, what does moderating successfully actually look like? How do I know if I'm doing it right? If I have four drinks when I only plan to have three, but I usually have five, does that mean I failed or I've succeeded? Honestly, I'd love to be able to wrap this up into like a neat little bow for you, but life doesn't always fit into the moulds that we want to make for it, as I'm sure we all know. And in the same way, moderation doesn't have well-defined boundaries. It doesn't come with a checklist, checklist of achievements or a um a pass-fail scorecard. Instead, it's a completely individual experience. And within each individual, within each one of us, success looks completely different on different occasions. And I know that for some people that might be frustrating. But I see that as both a major strength and a challenge in the moderation approach. And it

When Moderation Might Not Be For You

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means that it's a process that might not be right for everyone, and that might include you. If you're the type of person who likes things to be sort of just so, just right, if uncertainty makes you feel uncomfortable, if not having a clear marker of achievement makes you feel that no achievement counts, then maybe moderation isn't for you at this time. And if that's the case, then that is okay. You don't have to force it. I really want you to understand that moderation isn't something that you need to force upon yourself. If it doesn't fit for you, if it doesn't feel right, if it's making you feel more nervous, less comfortable, more on edge than you would if you just didn't drink at all, then maybe what you do need is a clean break. And that's absolutely fine. It might be that you need to just take a few months off, a few weeks off, uh, it might maybe it's a year. Whatever it is, it looks different, and that's absolutely okay. But

Who Moderation Is Right For

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if you are the type of person who thrives with flexibility, uh if you need to not feel boxed in to one path, if you are the type of person who rebels against the rules, even when they're your own rules, and even when you know that they're good for you, um, and you can be open to the possibilities that drinking mindfully can bring for you, then moderation might be the perfect fit for you. And the beauty is, to my mind, that you get to decide exactly what success in this space looks like for you.

Personal Success in Moderation

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For some of the people that I help and that I speak to, success in moderation looks like being able to go for just one drink and to actually mean it. Um, for other people, it looks like knowing when you've had enough and then being able to stop before enough becomes too much. For some people, it's never wanting to feel drunk again or to want to prioritize their health. Other people look at things from the perspective of the next day and focus their winds not on having to deal with a hangover anymore or to be able to stick to the commitments that they made to their family. Drinking mindfully means taking the time to think about what's most important to you and finding ways to work constantly towards that goal. Having a drink here or there or the odd late night isn't seen as a failure because the bigger picture is progress, it's self-awareness, it's commitment to feeling better tomorrow than you do today, whether that's about your drinking, whether that's about your relationships, whether that's about the work that you do.

Quitting Is Hard Too - Choose Your Hard

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And quitting comes with its own challenges, okay? It requires a commitment that most people, as I said in the beginning, aren't ready to make. In fact, outside of maybe marriage and parenthood, how often do we really ever make lifelong commitments? Even your mortgage isn't your entire life, or at least we hope it's not. But quitting completely requires considerable change in your identity. It involves grief for the loss of a part of your life that you're choosing to say goodbye to forever. Quitting completely requires building a whole new set of social skills for every social situation you'll encounter. And it means finding new ways to connect with family, with friends, with lovers, and with yourself. Now, all of that is totally doable, and thousands of people do it every day. And I will say that depending on your current relationship with alcohol and the impact that it's having on your life, quitting altogether might truly be the better option for you. The point I want you to remember from today's conversation is that when it comes to changing decades of habit around your drinking, moderation is hard. Abstinence is hard. Continuing to drink the way that you do right now is hard. Life is hard. You have to choose your hard. And the question that most people actually need to ask themselves is not which one will be easier or harder to me. It's which one will give me the most peace, the most comfort, and the most joy. Which one will give me the most life? And then you put all of your effort into making that the best path for you. That's it from me for this week. I hope you've enjoyed this week's um thought piece and that you can take something away from this that helps you think about which path might suit you best. If you have found this interesting or helpful in any way, shape, or form, I would love it if you left me a little rating or even a review. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'll see you next Wednesday, and until then, cheers to a life less intoxicated.