Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife: How to Drink Less, On Your Terms
**A Spotify 'Rising Star' show** Practical moderation for the way you want to live.
Why can't I drink like I used to? How do I drink less without quitting completely? Should I go for low, no or light alcohol drinks? Why do alcohol-free drinks cost so much?
If you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s or beyond and asking these questions, this is your podcast.
Welcome to the essential show for midlife adults who want to drink less, on their own terms—without the pressure to quit completely, follow rigid rules, or label themselves as sober.
I'm Denise Hamilton-Mace, your mindful drinking mentor, writer and public speaker on all things low, no and light. Each week, I help stressed parents and busy midlife adults navigate their relationship with alcohol through practical approaches grounded in real-world experience and behaviour change strategy, not willpower or wellness culture
What you'll get:
Mindful Moderation Solo Episodes – Deep-dives answering the questions that matter to sophisticated drinkers who want to moderate smartly:
How do I cut back when my partner still drinks at home?
What really works: willpower vs. strategy?
Why do premium alcohol-free drinks cost the same as full-strength versions?
How do I navigate social situations when I'm the only one moderating?
This podcast is for you if:
You're looking for practical advice that fits your demanding life, not another wellness overhaul
You recognise that coasting with mid-strength drinks, zebra-striping, or bookending your evening with something non-alcoholic are all valid strategies
You want better mornings without giving up celebrating life's special moments
This isn't about going completely dry or reinventing yourself. It's about keeping energy for what matters most: family, health, career, and living life on your own terms.
Join the moderation revolution happening in midlife – because while Gen Z gets the headlines, you're the one actually doing it.
Do you actually owe anyone an explanation for what's in your glass?
Working out who to tell, when to tell them, and how much detail they actually need is one of the trickier parts of changing your relationship with alcohol, especially when the people closest to you aren't automatically on board.
I'm talking through how to figure out who genuinely needs to know versus who doesn't, what to do when a partner, parent or sibling reacts with pushback rather than support, and why the timing of that conversation matters just as much as the wording. I also get into the exact kind of language that tends to land well with the people you love, versus the kind that puts them straight on the defensive.
By the end of this episode you'll know:
How to work out who actually needs to know about your choice to drink less
What to do when someone you love doesn't react the way you'd hoped
The best (and worst) times to bring this conversation up with a partner or family member
How to talk about drinking less without sounding like you're justifying yourself
Why you don't owe anybody an explanation for your own drinking choices
0:32 Why Telling People Feels Hard 3:33 Who Needs To Know And Why 5:35 Handling Pushback And Awkward Reactions 9:25 When To Engage & When To Walk Away 12:12 8 Tips For Talking About Your Choice To Drink Less 15:08 The Power Of Choice 15:55 The Beginner's Guide
When you've made a choice to start changing the way you allow alcohol to show up in your life, but you haven't committed to complete sobriety, there comes a time when you have to face the inevitable conversations with friends and family about how you're changing your drinking and maybe even why. The response you get back might be supportive, it might be inquisitive, or it might be negative. That's why today's episode is all about who to tell about your choices to drink differently, when to tell them, and even if you need to tell anyone at all. You're listening to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast, where it's my goal to help you take back the power of choice from alcohol. I'm your host and mindful drinking mentor, Denise Hamilton Mace, and this is the start of your journey to a life less intoxicating. So let's start at the top and why we worry so much about telling people. Because I know that I did, I was nervous about it. And if you're nervous about broaching this topic with your wife or husband or partner or your best friends, or maybe even your parents or extended family, whoever it is, then you're not alone. I was speaking on a panel at the annual moderation management summit last week. And in a conversation about uh it was called Why Don't You Just Quit? The subject of speaking to your family about your choices came up again and again and again. And of in fact, it's why I decided to record this episode for you today. So, what is the actual fear involved here? For everybody, it's a little bit different, of course. But what is it that you're worried about? Are you worried that people will judge you for not being able to quote unquote handle it anymore? Or maybe that they'll pity you for it? Or is it the barrage of endless questions that you don't have answers to yet? Answers, by the way, that you don't have to have just yet. You don't have to know exactly how this is going to play out for you in every future drinking scenario. You don't have to know if one day you might want to quit booze forever. And you also don't have to know whether you might change your mind about these things in either direction, a little bit further down the line. This is your choice, and the mechanics of it are yours to figure out in your own way and in your own time, and it will take time, that's fine. So it's also entirely up to you who you want to tell and how much you might want to share with them about your very personal reasons for making this change because this is a very personal choice.
So, who might you want to tell? I see this as a matter of degrees of impact. What does that mean? So, if you only see cousin Sheila, okay, twice a year at special family occasions, then it's unlikely that you need to sit her down with a PowerPoint presentation on the harms of alcohol and why you're choosing to swerve it a bit more often. It's not going to impact her in the slightest, and trying to explain yourself might even come across as like a little bit weird. On the flip side, your spouse or your partner is likely to be the person who's most affected by your choice. And so they would be the person who needs the most consideration. My personal rule of thumb, that you are, of course, very welcome to borrow, is that if it doesn't have anything to do with them, then why do I need to tell them? There is, however, one exception, and that is if cousin Sheila is a cheerleader, if she's always got your back, if she supports you in everything that you do, if even though you only see her uh twice a year, she still wants to champion your choices and celebrate what you do, then sharing this choice with her selfishly might give you the little extra um psychological boost that you've been wanting. Having somebody in your corner telling you that they fully support your choices is a lovely thing to hear. And so if telling your cousin on your twice-annual visit to the family get together is going to help you and support you and make you feel better, then you know, have at it. Because that's the ideal outcome, isn't it, of telling your people about your choice to drink differently? That they'll support you, that they'll connect with your why, and that they will champion your choices regardless of how it affects them.
So then, in that case, what happens if they don't support you? Because I'd love to tell you that everyone is going to be 100% behind you. But sadly, we know that that's not always true. In episode 161, I spoke about the different types of people who struggle to take no for an answer when you tell them you're not drinking. Of course, I'll link to that in the show notes for you. I think it'll be a really good episode for you to listen to after this one if you haven't heard it yet. But but whether it's because they are thinking selfishly about losing their drinking buddy or self-consciously about whether you're now judging their choices to keep drinking the way you had before, some people will not react the way you want them to when you tell them, hey, I'm not drinking tonight, or hey, I'm cutting back on booze for the next couple of months. And look, if it is your uh dear old, I don't know, Uncle Bernie who struggles with this with his one good ear, his deerstalker hat and a pipe, then I probably wouldn't worry too much about it. Um likewise, if it's some, I don't know, temporary intern at uh at in the office on a three-month probation, then who cares about their snippy little comments? They can keep them to themselves, you're not listening. But if it is your partner or your parent or a sibling, then you do have a choice to make. You can choose to engage in the conversation, okay? You can choose to explain your choices, to go into detail, and to try to uh help that person to see things from your point of view. You can choose to try to bring them into this choice and the um path that has led you to it, or as callous as this might sound, you can choose to ignore them and to do it anyway. And and I don't say that to be flippant. I actually think it's really important to give your close friends and family the respect of bringing them into your choice and sharing this part of your life and yourself with them. But if they don't or won't get it just yet, I also want you to know that it's okay to walk away from that conversation in that moment. That's not to say that you never broach the subject again. You definitely should keep the lines of communication open. But if someone is being negative or defensive or combative about your choices, then stepping into a great debate with them is not going to help either of you. After all, you're not trying to win the conversation. This isn't about you getting them to come on board with you or to accept that you are right in your choices. It's about sharing where you are in your life with the people that you love. And if they're not ready to hear it, then that's okay. They may have their own reasons or demons or just their own shit going on in their lives where they're not in a position to take on board what you're saying. If that's something that they need to work on from them for themselves, then that's fine. Give them the space to do that whilst you give yourself the space to focus on working on your mindful drinking journey. And remember that these conversations, they're meant to be about sharing and explaining and being honest with your people, but they're not about justifying your choices until somebody else validates them for you. So if you
do decide to have these conversations with your nearest and dearest, then uh when is a good time to have them? Because the when you have the conversation can be just as important as the how you have it and who you have it with. So choose a time that suits both of your mental capacities. I often think we hear advice around this, and they say, you know, pick a time when you're feeling at your best, when you're feeling most confident. But you've got to choose a time that works for both of you. So I'll give you an example. My husband is not a morning person. I can barely get like a coherent sentence out of him before, say, 10, 10:30, uh and several coffees. So there are no deeper meaningfuls in our house before midday ever. At the same time, though, I am not a night person. Not anymore, anyway. So by about 8 p.m., my brain starts shutting down, and by 9 p.m. I'm pretty much unresponsive to anyone or anything. So we stick to middays, which means weekends for us, because my husband's at work during the day. I'm working from home, we're not in the same place. So the best time for us to have conversations is in the afternoons, on the weekends, when the kids are busy doing something else. I'd also avoid times that are already fraught with their own stress. Speaking of kids, so it might be getting the kids ready for school in the morning, or you know, cleaning up after a mess that somebody's made, anything that's already got its own stress and tension, probably not a good time to bring up a subject that can be sensitive and that you want to give full attention and care to. And the last time I'd suggest you avoid, uh, and I'm sure this goes without saying, is don't do it when either one of you are hullover. We tend to have a response when we've had a heavy night and uh everyone has said it. I'm sure if you're listening to this podcast, you have at some point in your life said the morning after, the night before, I'm never drinking again. If you enter into a conversation about wanting to moderate your drinking whilst you are hanging out of your ass, or your other half is hanging out of their ass, it's not going to go well. No one's gonna take you seriously. It's not that you aren't um you don't mean it or you aren't being true to your word, but it's just not a moment of clarity in which to enter into this conversation. I'm sure you can see that for yourself. So,
my final tips, okay, for talking to loved ones uh about changing your drinking habits. Be confident, be firm, share your reasons, not justifications. Don't argue or debate. Remember that you are not there to change their mind. You're there to share what's on your mind about your life. Uh, choose your timing wisely. And if you know what support you want from them, which is something we didn't touch on, but if you do know what support you want from them looks like, then don't be afraid to ask for it. It helps your other person know how to support you, how to look after you, how to contribute to your journey if you're clear about what you want from them, whether that is not to order drinks for you, not to keep asking you about it all the time, whatever it is, communicate with them how they can help you. And um, and my final bit of advice, which I did share on the panel and I want to share with you today, is to be mindful of the language that you use. Come to this conversation from a position of positive change rather than one of negative restriction. Okay, choose language like I want to change my drinking, or I'm choosing to drink less, or I feel great when I don't drink as much, rather than restrictive or negative openers, like I can't keep doing this, or I shouldn't be allowed to drink anymore. There are three reasons why this is important, okay? Reason number one, when people hear that you are presenting something in a negative way, when you're putting it out there negatively, they'll respond in an equally negative fashion. So you are leading this conversation, start from a position of positivity and power. And as the saying goes, start as you mean to go on. Reason number two, if it sounds like you're not happy about your choice, it may come across as an opening for them from all the best will in the world to try and talk you out of it, or to tell you that you're not so bad, or or to give you support that they think that you are asking for because you're not being clear about the fact that you are firm in this choice. And the third one is this is a positive choice. This is something that you are doing to better yourself, to better your life, to better your relationships with the people around you. That is a brilliant thing and it should be celebrated as such.
Last thing I will say is that remember that that I always say to you that um we are here to take back the power of choice from alcohol. But I want you to remember that that choice extends to your privacy about your drinking habits. So ultimately, who you tell, how much you tell them, and when you tell them about your choices to drink differently is up to you. You do not owe anybody an explanation for your choices. But if you do want people to be with you and to support you on this journey, then keeping them in the loop, keeping the lines of communication open is the first step to them being able to do that for you.
Now, I've been working on a brand new beginner's guide to mindful drinking and moderation. You can join the wait list for it on the website, and inside there is a section dedicated to understand who is the one person who will have your back throughout this whole journey, who will be your cheerleader, who will be your champion. And maybe that's the person you start with when it comes to sharing your choices about drinking differently with the people in your life. You can join the wait list now over on the new website at lone drinker.com. There'll be a box that pops up for you to join the wait list to get the mindful drinking beginners guide when it's ready to launch, which will be just in a week or so from the time that you hear this episode. That is it from me for this week. I will see you next Wednesday. And until then, cheers to a life less intoxicated.
